Today

Today, I am all the old sappy love songs. The ones you hear on the radio, and guiltily turn it up to belt along with.

The ones riddled with cliche'd phrases. Like, "Your smile makes me weak" Or Even: "I'd Die Without You!"

Today, I am all of those things.

Tomorrow, I'll be better.

Speculation/Contemplation

This place feels different without you in it.

Metamorphosis

I've always liked the life of a butterfly.

They start out as this... thing. Caterpillars. Bugs.

Yeah, this analogy hasn't ever been used before.

But the point is, I've always admired their experience.

In my Kindergarten class we had a caterpillar's cocoon in a jar. We kept it on the table in the front of the class. Everyday it was the cool thing to go and check it for signs of life.

And there was never any.

In my sweet little 6 year old brain, I always wondered if something had gone wrong. The caterpillar had died, and it wasn't going to make it into butterfly-hood.

Because apparently that's all I did when I was a child, worry that something was wrong.

Everyday brought further and further proof that I was right. Something was wrong. This process that God had given to caterpillars to become butterflies had failed.

That's a little bit of an indication of how I have lived my life.

Around the time that I had entered my own metaphorical cocoon, I was terribly uncertain of the world around me. Yet, I was absolutely sure that something was wrong with ME.

That for some reason the process which God had given me to become a beautiful, well put-together, woman had somehow failed.

I was a doubter.

Write that across my forehead with permanent ink.

That is my trial. I doubt when I should have faith.

Anyway, the point of this rather disconnected post, and where I'm trying to steer it in my own inefficient way, is that I have spent the majority of my formative years nestled safely in my cocoon.

You see, When butterflies are ready to leave the cocoon, the actual leaving is a struggle. They have to push and push and stretch themselves, and really work hard to break the confines of their own safety.

I never did that.

Well, not when I was supposed to anyway.

I spent years watching my peers spread their newfound wings, and take off to better places, and I sat content in my shell. I never dared to push at the edge, I never dreamed of testing the limits of myself.

So, safe I stayed.

Safe, and depressed.

But, let me tell you the wonderful thing about cocoons:

They aren't meant to last forever.

And eventually, whether you planned it or not, you'll find yourself out in the world.

And you'll laugh at yourself for ever losing faith in a proven process, for ever assuming that something was wrong.

Just like the butterfly that my kindergarten class released out of a jar, I am flying free.

Flying far above the prison that I found so safe.

And never looking back.

"...Will You Meet Me in the Air..."

Today has been beautiful.

I awoke to a beautiful post-rain morning. My car was still wet when I drove in to work. And there was a chill in the air.

Fall is around the corner.

I almost can't contain my excitement.

I think there is some symbolic beauty in fall. Something I'm sure most people don't see.

See, in the autumn months Nature gathers together all the last reserves of life that it had and gives it all.

Dying leaves turn crimson and gold.

Lazy Summer Breezes become furious autumn gales.

It goes out with a bang.

Every Autumn I am reminded to live life to it's absolute fullest, to fight with everything I have to enjoy every last moment.

And one day (far in the future, I hope) when it comes my time to go, I will (with all the grace afforded in such an endeavor) make my last days something to talk about.


"Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
~Dylan Thomas

~*Post Title from "Sister Golden Hair" by America

"...All My Words Come Back to Me in Shades of Mediocrity..."

The world is quiet here.

I left this blog in a different place nearly two months ago. I was coming out of a deep torrential depression, and I was stumbling towards happiness.

I can't be sure, but I think I got there.

Looking back, reading some old blog entries, I think I see what you all saw then. There was this beautiful child that was reaching out for love, blind to the people before her.

And it's almost more I can do to not get angry at her.

Instead, I choose to love her. To embrace her. To reassure her, that the road will lead to higher ground.

I think I have to clear up a bit of confusion here. My last post was not intended to convey any type of despair. I tried to reach the exact opposite, actually. See, that's a prayer I pray almost everyday. I love my Heavenly Father, and I recognize the love that he has for me.

My whole life I've judged his Love by how many trials I may or may not have. The more trials, the less his love for me. I've since learned the truth, and I want to celebrate.

These trials, these hardships, are just a part of this human existence. He's not deliberately sending me trials out of pure sadism. He's letting them happen for my own growth, the same way I will one day let my children learn through their own hardships.

I praise him for it. He could just as easily take my trials away. He could leave me week and lifeless, but he instead chooses to suffer through it with me.

And I am not a quiet complainer. There has been much anger and bitterness thrown his way.

Yet, he has stayed by me through it all.

Yes, Lord, I accept the trials, and I love them.

~*Post Title from "Homeward Bound" by Simon and Garfunkel

"... Here's My Heart, Oh Take and Seal It..."

Dear Lord,

Break Me.

Break me so I can heal.

Take my wandering mind and cleanse it of stray thoughts.

Replace my clouded and worried brain with an open horizon.

Humble my conceited self by giving me the tools and trials required to find purchase on the rock of your love.

Teach me how to lift myself out of the Holes I dig with self-Doubt and Despair.

And teach me to replace those with Hope and Love.

Guide my wandering curiosity back to safer waters, away from the squall of the world.

But most of all Lord, Break my Heart so that I may learn to use it again.

Bend, Break, and Set my spirit so it may grow stronger and higher; everyday more healthy than the last.

Bring me this destruction so that I may find the beautiful light that follows.

Please.

"...Things are never what they appear to be..."

This post should speak for itself. Click on the pictures to make them bigger.






Post Title taken from "Feather in the Wind" by Mindy Gledhill